s(Pee)itting

Ladies before you start reading this post I consider it my duty to warn you that you may not like reading this post. Even if you do you would not be able to appreciate the concerns raised in this post as it is very likely (though I want to write almost certain) you have had not witnessed the act described here.

So here I hit the road…

It has been a mystery for me. No matter how much I try to reason out the reason I fail to come up with a fairly convincing reason to convince myself that I have found a reason for this ‘do this after, before or simultaneously’ behavior.

I have been baffled by the expanse of this behavior and as to how it is common to all men and cuts across all boundaries of type, size, color, caste, wealth, geographical location and any other line of demarcation that I can think of.

I don’t know what is this invisible bond that binds the act of reliving oneself (males of course, I don’t know about ladies) at the urinals and spitting?

Some men start with spitting, some men continue reliving themselves with the act of spitting, and some end with spitting after reliving themselves. Its not that I don’t have any other better work to do while I am relieving myself at the urinals, but just that I kind of feel it be very stupid to stare at the tiles in the front or look down into the urinal. It just feels so disgusting. And to add I don’t like spitting.

Do they feel like they have vanquished an insurmountable opponent? I guess they do so.

The smile, that feeling of joy and pride on their face does kind of reflect that sentiment. And if I may add they spit at their vanquished opponent; like some celebrate their victory, well almost certain victory, before the great war, some celebrate as they fight the war and some after they have had won the war.

“See that’s what you get when you mess with me. Need one more?? Hugh! Spit Spit one more spit. There your go you rotten …”

And some are real funny even when they are at this great holy war. These guys do not give up, ever, on their sense of humor. Even whey they trample their ‘who ever it is’ with the furry of a ravaging river they keep the whole environment cool and friendly by whistling a strange whistle, which goes like “Shoooo….. Shoooo….” What a great way, I admit, to shoo away the unwanted by saying “Shoo… Shoo…”!

I find this very funny, very very funny and very very very funny. So most of the time I kind of smile and others think the same what I have described above. But I don’t spit in or at the urinal.

Statutory Advice: Guys please wash your hands after using the rest rooms.

PS: When I told to my psychiatrist friend about my new post, he very coolly, as a matter of fact said “Telling one’s story as a friend’s story has been an old method of talking about oneself”. And I fell to the ground laughing; rolled on the floor as the spasms in my stomach became unbearable ...

5 Days at office.

A Typical day at office until….

Honey, hurry up and answer the phone.
Honey, hurry up and answer the phone.
Honey, hurry up and answer the phone.
Honey, hurry up and answer the phone.

My mobile phone suddenly chirped. This was my ring tone. The voice is neither of my current or future wife, given that I am single and neither of my girlfriend, I don’t know which one.

Hello!
Good evening Sir! Hmm… Arr… Good Morning Sir!
A Very good morning, may I know who’s on the line?
Is this Mr. Smart Alecky?
Yes. This is he. May I know who is on the line?
Sir, I am calling from XYZ Bank, we are offering a life time free credit card to only a few select of our customers and you have been chosen for the card.

Day 1.

Before you say anything, let me thank you. This is the first call that I have received in last 4 days.
Sir… (Stopped in the middle)
Wait let me finish. Allow me to thank you by treating you with a cup of coffee, for a start, at Barista next to…
Sir, Do you stay somewhere near that Barista?
Yes. Very close. If you want you can also see my house. It’s not huge though, just 4 rooms on some 3000 square foot of space. (Sounding very modest)
Sir, no need for that. Actually we have an office near that. You can go and give your papers at that office.
Yeah so lets meet and you explain me in details all about the card, all hidden charges, all penalties.
Thank you for time sir
So, I’ll expect you at 5:00 pm there, this Saturday.
Click.

Day 2.

I am sorry, but I am not interested.
Sir this card has this advantage, that advantage, no this and no that, extra there and extra here…
Do you guys ever give up? Almost shouting
In a defensive tone Sir, we are doing our job.
Sounding very sad I really pity you guys. You have to do work at office! We usually play golf!
Trying to conceal the embarrassment behind that almost there laughter Thank You Sir
Click.

NOTE: Some really don't understand and straight away hit for the Click.


Day 3.

Sir, based on your good balance in your account we are giving this card free for life time/ so many years, reduced late charges. And the best part is that you can use this card at any merchant location
Wow, that really great. But by the way, what amount you consider as good balance?
Trying to think something I cannot reveal that Sir
The reason why I say this is because if my balance is good then your people are in trouble as then anybody is eligible for your card
What do you mean Sir
Just go and check your record for once, my account balance has never been more than xyz. xyz here is less than even a decent amount with a person who has been bankrupt since the mezozioc era.
Click.

Day 4.

You know this is the fourth time I am being selected for the offer, even though I have refused it all the times.
Amm….
Do you guys have a dictionary?
Yes, why Sir?
Well go and look how many meaning does ‘NO’ have in it. Until the last time I saw it, it always meant only ‘NO’
Click.

Day 5.

Sorry, I am not interested.
Why sir? Do you have any other cards?
Yeah, Citibank, HDFC, SBI, ICICI, Standard Chartered, Manhattan …. (almost all the names I knew other than this bank)
Sir, you can keep the cards from all the banks but not mine almost in tears, if possible the mobile phone would have had become a gargoyle.
Click.


And I wonder why I don’t have a credit card.

Strike, brings the best out of me....

Its not that I am one of those, work till I die kind of workaholics; I really do love to get day off from office but I hate it, loath it when it happens to be on a weekday. And especially if it is because of a strike(bandh) organized by somebody who probably thought there hasn’t been much of rioting on the streets. Why? The reasons are aplenty and listed down below, not necessarily in the order of their priority of being a major contributor to that hate feeling.

1. Office is the place where I get a good delicious food, which of course looses its deliciousness after days of eat-the-same-kinda-food thing. But nevertheless given the fact that it at a subsidized rate of Rs. 6 per meal, unlimited, nobody has any right to complain about the taste. Now if the day off is on weekday I miss my chance to gobble up all that food at those cheap rates. I have to go out and shell a lot more for not that healthy and many times certainly not that much hygienic food. Well you can call me a miser, cheap person but I’d call it as saving for the rainy day. Now if the day off is because of the bandh (strike), then all eateries outside are closed and there’s every chance of people like my starving to death. This is the Amazon rainy day where my savings for the rainy day do not come in handy. Even the pizza huts/corners are closed and there’s no home delivery.
   
   
2. Office is that one place where I meet, greet, grin at, look cocked eyed at so many people. There’s so much to talk about, and so many to talk to. With the day off I miss all those people. The life feels so boring and dull.
   
   
3. Office is that one place where I can surf a lot, till I drop dead or one of the person from IS (Information Support) teams comes saying that I have violated my company’s online surfing policy ‘n’ number of times which is ‘m’ times more than the permissible limits of ‘k’ attempts. But nevertheless I can browse a lot. And not having an internet connection at home make life all the more miserable.
   


4. Office is that place where I can have gallons of tea/coffee. It’s the lifeline of my life at office, or else I be down with the hang-of -left-over of the last drop of coffee I had days ago. At home limited supply of milk makes me feel lethargic and lie all day on the bed.
   
   
5. Office is that one place which allows me for recreation. A non-existent TV and a far from working radio makes that recreation at home almost next to beyond impossible. And especially if you have a college friend, who is as big an ass hole as a mammoth’s asshole (not the mammoth or the mamoth's hole, but the friend, get your context right you dumbo), living in the same building, who wears that my-wife-beat-me-again sorry pathetic, ready to die look whenever I knock at his door just because he knows that invariably I’ll switch on the his TV and his electricity meter somewhere downstairs will board the supersonic or maybe superlight, merry go round, and start spinning as fast as you can say nothing. This also adds to my second point about people. Just for the record this genltemand is a bachelor.
   
   
6. Bandh there’s no newspaper so that I can do that crossword again and again. I do it once with a pencil, erase it and do it again.
   
   
7. And since all the shops are closed because of the bandh, I have to stockpile my packets of cigarettes and of course I always do not stock enough of them.
   
   
8. I have to play that stupid game of ‘Ceasar’ again and again. Sometimes its fun though, to pay the citizens peanuts, 10 denarii per-month of salary and tax them at 30-40 percent of their income. And then hear the people crying out loud. Stop all the farming and hear the lady grunt “There’s no food in the city so I’m on my way 'ome'”, or that cart pusher “Can you spare me a little bread. I haven’t eaten for long”. And then the situation worsens and there are riots in the city and people come out on the roads with torches shouting “Down with the Governor” and I take all my troops there just to kill that one person who most often hides in one of those slums even before my army can say ‘March’. Most of the time its October though.
   
   
9. Worst of all I will have to come on Saturday to compensate for this unwanted middle-of-nowhere holiday. I would, sometimes I do think so, love to do so as Saturday, by the very essence of it being a Saturday is a laidback day, so no problem if anybody catches you snoring while you stare at that monitor, which now shows you screensaver when you thought you were reading a pdf on autoscroll!!
   
   

And finally when I am tired of all the stuff that I did and did not do, I roll myself in the bed thinking about all those beautiful things that never happen to anybody. Well God is not anybody but even then they do not happen to him also.

And by the time you read this line, I have already consumed 2 hours of my productive work time to write this post, proof read it, correct all the typos and post it; and now its time to go home and prepare for that bandh(strike) tomorrow and do what all I wrote above.