The Animal Instinct. The Animal Me...

Haven't I.

Haven't I thought of it since the first time I saw you? Haven't I thought of nothing else for two years?... I sat motionless looking at her. I heard the words I had never allowed myself to form, the words I had felt, known, yet had not faced, had hoped to destroy by never letting them be said within my own mind. Now it was as sudden and shocking as if I was saying it to her... Since the first time I saw you... Nothing but your body, the mouth of yours, and the way your eyes looked at me, if ...

Through every sentence I ever said to you, through every conference you thought so safe, through the importance of all the issues we discussed... You trusted me didn't you? To recognize your greatness? To think of you as you deserved - as if you were a woman? ... Don't you know how much I've betrayed? The only bright encounter of my life - the only person I respected - the best being I know - my ally -my partner in desperate battle ... The lowliest of all desires - as my answer to the highest I've met.. Do you know what I am? I thought of it because it should have been unthinkable. For that degrading need, which should never touch you. I've never wanted anyone but you ... I hadn't known what it was like, to want it, until I saw you for the first time. I had thought: Not I, I wouldn't be broken by it ... Since then ... for two years ... with not a moments respite..

Do you know what it's like, to want it? Would you like to hear wha tI thought, when I looked at you... when I lay awake at night ... when I worked, but couldn't drive it away? To bring you down to things you can't conceive - and to know that it's I who have done it. To reduce you to a body, to teach you an animal's pleasure; to see you need it; to see you asking me for it, more and more; to see your wonderful spirit dependent upon the obscenity of your need. To watch you as you are, as you face the world with your clean, proud strength - then to see you in my bed, submitting to any infamous whim I may devise; to any act, which I'll perform for the sole purpose of watching you dishonor and to which you'll submit for the sake of an unspeakable sensation ...

I want you and may I be damned for it!...

Have I read this, thought about this somewhere, sometime? Was I like this and when?

A famous writing, Ayn.